Journey in Self-Discovery

This is something that I recently came across and find it really interesting and amaze me quite a bit.

I came across the need of doing so by chance. Well, it’s more like I wasn’t expecting this to come in line with my yoga teacher training which I signed up for. Caught me unexpected and made me realize the importance of doing so.

I hid most of my emotions and dark sides as much as possible from others. I bottled most of my emotions as much as I could from family and friends so they worry less about me especially my parents.

The only person that saw through my ups and downs is my soulmate, my dear husband. He had worked tirelessly on my darkest days to keep me sane.

Here’s the background story:

I was just a few steps away from depression pit months ago due to work stress. It was helpless to the husband as he couldn’t help much other than taking care of my well-being (feed me well).

My parents were aware that I was busy with work because I seldom call them. Never once I reveal to them the stress I suffered from work.

I was so reluctant to go to work still I had to do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. To be honest, I love my job and take it as my pride (who takes work so seriously? sound pathetic to me now) but it was getting too much and out of hand. Requested for SOS from the superior for additional resources wasn’t answered led me further to the depression pit.

There were days I worked up to 18 hours trying to get things done but there were more awaiting me. I was swept with waves of workload and eventually got myself drowned. I had restless nights in which my body rest but my brain was still functioning for work in sleep.

The poor husband tried to talk me out with lots of reasoning and rational. It worked for half a day I felt at ease but after a long day at work I broke down again. The cycle repeats and he felt helpless at times because I was the stubborn one that dwelled back into work so much.

It was endless to the extent of the thought of “This is getting out of hand”, “What am I doing?”, “Why did I do this to myself”, “The husband doesn’t deserve such mental torture.” and etc kept running through me for days.

I decided that I needed a break from work. The ever supportive husband supported my decision. I tendered resignation and served more than enough notice period (because I really take my job seriously and tried to complete as much task as possible prior departure haha).

The day I spoke to my superior of my decision to resign from the position, I felt so much relief mentally and was amazed by how much a decision as such weigh. It wasn’t all rainbow while I was serving notice period but the thought of a pot of gold at the other end of rainbow kept me going.

The bubbly self in me starting to return once I started my break (I healed from all the negativity). I signed up for yoga teacher training course, something that I have been wanting to do to improve my yoga practices.

Three weeks passed in a blink of eyes, the yoga teacher training course commenced. I was expecting lots of workout in the 20 days. Boy, I was wrong.

On the second day of the course, we were asked to share something about Ahimsa, non-violence, be it physically, mentally or emotionally towards others or self. Work stress that I encountered was what ran through my mind which match the theme. Instinctively, that’s what I shared with the group.

I broke down during the sharing session and found out what I thought the bubbly self in me has returned wasn’t true. I  swept the sense of fragility, guilt to the husband (putting him through all my emotions), stress of being jobless and stress of uncertainties under the carpet.

My guru (yoga teacher) was the one digging through, asking for more insight during the sharing. She’s the one that sees through me, I had something bottled in me and I wasn’t happy. She wasn’t expecting the revelation to be so soon.

I was glad about the decision of sharing the dark side of me to the then strangers, course mates. I discovered that my soul needs a channel to vent it out. I spoke to the husband about it in the evening and immediately the soul in me was relief from all the commotions.

The day after the sharing, my guru gave a remark “You look so (much) different from day 1”.

That was when I found the importance of self-discovery. I wasn’t expecting things like that in a yoga teacher training course (it’s all about getting into the postures and I pay less attention when it comes to the soul part during practices).

Oh well, good things happen when you least expect it. I look forward to my journey of self-discovery.

I shall do more sharing on things I’ve learned during my yoga teacher training course in time to come.

P.S. Now that I have the time to sit down and recall the days, I wasn’t really my happy self prior to the course. I constantly worry about being jobless (I take my pride in my job, felt pathetic about it now haha) and uncertainties. There was a gathering that I attended, I didn’t enjoy it like I used to.

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